pinkydinkydoo

We went to Chili's again this past Saturday. I told myself I was going to try something new, but I wound up getting the Monterray Chicken again. Seems like I always get the same things when I go to dinner. I should try spicing things up & trying new dishes, but I can't bring myself to try anything new. I mean, I don't go out to dinner often... so why would I attempt to get something & I not like it, right? I babble.

My 24th birthday is in two days. TWO. I can not believe I'm going to be 24. Where has my life gone? Honestly, what have I done with myself? Other than giving birth to Gavin & becoming a wonderful mommy - i can't say i'm proud of much else. I just never thought I'd be where I am. I always thought I'd do so much more with my life... It kinda depresses me to an extent to know that I haven't accomplished really anything I've wanted. When I was little I thought I could do anything - what a big reality blow now that I'm older. wahwahwah Oh well, it's never too late for me to get back into school & get on the road that I should have never strayed from... I've just done things kinda backwards, right? Things happen for a reason, i'm sure. I haven't totally figured out why I was who I was back then, and I'm not sure if I ever really will... but, atleast I know that that person I was isn't who I am now, isn't who I want to be, and isn't someone I'm ever going to be again. I put myself in really akward situations, I was a complete bitch to people who really cared for me, I did things I would have never done & I am completely ashamed of how I acted. What a moron. I can't blame my actions on anyone else, and I'll eventually have to own up to everything I did. I can say that if I weren't an alcoholic, maybe my actions wouldn't have been so rash. I can't really say, either way. I was a drunk, I made drunk decisions, and I had drunk friends. & let me tell you, drunk friends arent friends. they're only there for the moment, the good drinks, and their own entertainment. they don't care about you, only if you finish your next drink & get on the "level" they are on. idiotic, if you ask me. but, I was one of those people.

moving on...

I have one chapter left in All Together Dead. What a great read. Eric has replaced my Bill. For some reason, I want Eric to be with Sookie. I want them to live happily ever after. Is it sad that I get completely obsessed with what I read. I become Sookie when I'm reading... weird. It's like that with most of what i read... i guess, that's the point though, huh? Anywho, after I finish with this chapter I'm going to start on my Bookclub Book. Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen. We have our meeting on the 29th - so I want to go ahead and read it. It's going to be tough having to see the last two sookie books on the bookshelf... but, i'd rather have something to read when i'm done with this BCB.

I need to make a trip to the grocery store & the farmers market. I need some healthy choices in my kitchen to snack on. Fruit Loops, Nilla Wafers, and Brownies are NOT helping my waist line. I really need to focus on myself. I've let myself go since I had Gavin & I haven't been taking care of my own needs. I really need to get my willpower in check so I can start getting rid of this bulge in my tummy. I lost weight after Gavin, but I've gained alot back too. Sitting on my butt at home with Gavin and eating unhealthy snacks... doesn't lose weight Miranda. I walk everday around the block with Gavin - but maybe I need to start making two trips... or mapping myself out a longer walk. If I am not happy with myself how can I make anyone else happy? I mean, if i'm disgusted at the way I look in the mirror - isn't don? i mean, he says that i'm pretty... but i dont think he'd really say "miranda, lose weight. you look gross." I just miss my pre-preg. body. I thought I"d be able to get right back to it, but shit no. i'm not nearly as active as i was, and i'm able to eat whenever i want. Plus, when i don't eat alot I feel like Gavin doesn't get much milk. i know, that's wrong. But, its a complex i have with my brain. I eat, Gavin eats. I dont eat, he doesn't get anything. Yes, I need to eat - OK this is going NOwhere!

I'm going out to dinner with Keela tonight for my bday. YAY for mexican food. (again, with the food miranda) see, it's like all i think about. I do think that mexican food is semi healthy... it's better than junk food. how bad can beans & rice be for you? other than the gas compartment... ha.

ok.byes.